


Bonded by Tragedy

by Melbrook



Category: One Life to Live
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-16
Updated: 2017-02-16
Packaged: 2018-09-24 22:10:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 17
Words: 3,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9789272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melbrook/pseuds/Melbrook
Summary: A story told through E-mails. It takes place right after Todd saves Marty, C.J. and Jessica when they were in a car accident.





	1. Chapter 1

Todd,

I thought that I knew exactly who you were. I convinced myself that you were less than human (a disgusting, vile monster with no conscience)...you had to be if you could rape me with your frat brothers and not even give a dam about the kind of damage that you caused me. I thought that I had you figured out until you gave up your chance at freedom to save me, Jessica and C.J. 

Everything's changed now and I find myself wondering if perhaps you're human after all. Are you capable of understanding what you did to me? Do you feel remorse at all? And most of all I've been wondering why you saved me at all, given how much you hate me? Whatever your reasons, I'm grateful that you saved my life. Don't get me wrong, I still hate you, but perhaps I hate you a little less then I did before. 

My therapist has suggested that I come and see you. He thinks that I can put my demons to rest by talking to you. I'm not sure that I'm ready to face you. To be honest, you still scare me so I'm writing this letter instead, hoping that it will silence the nightmares that plague me. 

-Marty Saybrooke 


	2. Chapter 2

Marty, 

It's been a month since I received the e-mail from you. I wanted to respond to you, but I didn't know what to say. I have started this e-mail to you a thousand times only to delete it before sending. 

I'm guessing that writing to me hasn't silenced your nightmares like you were hoping that it would...is that why you came to see me yesterday?

I said some things in yesterday's "therapy" session that I wish I could take back. There's so many things that I wish I could take back when it comes to you. 

I shouldn't have yelled at you and I shouldn't have told you that I hated you when it's not true. After you left, Ray helped me to face some hard truths. You were never the person that I hated the most...it was me that I hated all along. 

I'm finally responding to your e-mail because you deserve some answers to your questions. I don't know if I'm human...I certainly feel like a monster when I remember what I did to you. I know that you understand what it feels like to be tortured and if I could take back that night then I would. Perhaps I saved you and the kids that night, because I didn't need one more regret when it comes to you. 

I know that you will always hate me and I can't really blame you for that. Whatever hatred you feel for me is nothing compared to how much I hate myself and the things that I have done. I am plagued by nightmares of that night as well and I sincerely hope that seeing me yesterday will silence your fears. 

-Todd Manning


	3. Chapter 3

Todd,

Yesterday I received word from the mayor that you were being released early from prison. First, I would like to say that I am grateful that you saved the lives of Jessica and C.J., as well as my own. That being said, I do not agree with the mayor's decision to pardon you. 

Your one act of human decency does not erase the damage that you did to me. You raped me and attempted to rape me on two other occasions. Suede is dead because of you and I'm having a hard time knowing that you'll never have to pay for all the damage that you caused. 

The mayor may have pardoned you, but I can't forgive you...I won't. I wanted you to know that I am doing everything that I can to get the mayor to change his mind. You should remain locked up where you can't harm anyone else. 

-Marty Saybrooke


	4. Chapter 4

Marty, 

I'm sorry that news of my pardon has caused you so much turmoil. I can't blame you for feeling the way that you do, especially when I agree with you. I hurt you, so naturally you want me to suffer the way that I caused you to suffer. 

I may be getting out of prison early, but I hope that you find peace in the fact that my punishment for what I did to you is eternal. I think about what I did to you every second of every day and I will not pardon myself. There is no forgiveness for me. 

I don't want you to be afraid that I will hurt you or anyone else if I get out. I won't...I can't. I have been branded and scarred by what I did to you. I have learned how to cage the monster within me. I keep that disgusting part of me locked in the cage by the memories and images of the damage that I caused you and I would rather die then to unlock the cage and let it out. I hope that you believe me when I tell you that you are safe from me. 

-Todd Manning


	5. Chapter 5

Todd,

I wanted to believe you when you told me that you would never let that monster out again. I wanted to believe that I would be safe from you, but I'm not safe and either is any of the other woman that work at the hospital. 

I couldn't believe my luck when I learned that you would be working at the hospital. I should have quit then, but I didn't want to lose one more thing that I loved because of you. I told myself that you had been honest with me in your last e-mail and that you wouldn't hurt me or anyone else again, but I was a fool to believe your lies. 

I know that you unleashed the beast on Alice Henson and raped her in the parking lot. I am going to do everything in my power to help Alice survive what you did to her. I am not going to rest until everyone signs my petition and you are fired from the hospital. I will not stop until you are back behind bars. I will not give you the opportunity to hurt me again. I hope you rot in hell. 

-Marty Saybrooke


	6. Chapter 6

Marty,

I know that it's been a month since you e-mailed me. I started this reply to you so many times in the last month, but I never sent it. I just couldn't find the right words to convince you that I would never let the beast out. I hope that you know that now that you were with me in the hospital when Rebecca was attacked. 

Currently I am sitting in jail for attacking Rebecca, but we both know that I am innocent of that crime at least. I know that you will do the right thing and tell them that you were my alibi. 

Todd Manning


	7. Chapter 7

Todd, 

How do you feel now that I'm the one with all the power? Are you scared now that you're at my mercy? When you had all the power, you didn't listen to my cries for help. You showed me no mercy and now I finally have the chance to pay you back. 

Even if you didn't attack Rebecca, you're still a rapist that belongs in prison and that is where you will end up. I will never be your alibi. 

-Marty Saybrooke


	8. Chapter 8

Marty, 

I understand your need for revenge against me after all the pain that I caused you, but I still have faith that you will clear my name. You're a better person then I am and I know that you won't be able to live with the guilt if Rebecca's real attacker hurts someone else while I'm locked away. 

Perhaps I know you better then you know yourself, because I have faith that you're not going to let anyone else suffer for my sins. 

-Todd Manning


	9. Chapter 9

Todd, 

I thought a lot about what you said in your last letter and after I talked to Andrew I have made my decision about what to do. I have decided that it's not my place to play judge, jury and executioner with your life. 

I wish it wasn't true, but you were right. I would never be able to live with myself if somebody else got hurt because I decided to keep silent. I am on my way to see Hank right now, so that I can inform him that you weren't the one who attacked Rebecca. 

-Marty Saybrooke


	10. Chapter 10

Marty,

There aren't enough words to tell you how grateful I felt when I saw you enter the courtroom today. I know how difficult it must have been for you to be my alibi and honestly I'm relieved that I don't have to go back to prison. 

I want you to know that I am going to do everything that I can to bring the real perpetrator to justice. I hope that you and I will finally be able to go our separate ways in peace. Thanks, once again.

-Todd Manning


	11. Chapter 11

Marty,

I thought that I was a dead man. When I was stabbed, I thought about you and all the ways that I had hurt you. I thought that Karma had finally caught up to me and that I would finally be punished,so imagine my surprise when I woke up in the hospital and Blair told me that you saved my life by agreeing to be my blood donor. 

I know that you hate me and no one would have blamed you if you decided not to be my blood donor. Why did you choose to save my life? Did you just want to permanently get under my skin? Whatever your reasons are, I am grateful that I'm still alive. 

-Todd Manning


	12. Chapter 12

Todd,

When you showed up unexpected at my door begging for me to go with you, I was terrified. You promised me that you wouldn't hurt me, but even so I had no guarantee. Leaving the safety of my house to go anywhere with you would require faith that you would keep your word. There's a part of me that wanted to question why. Why did I go with you? Why would I put myself in that position again after everything that you've done to me. After hours of contemplation, I have come up with the answer, although the truth to my questions terrifies me. 

There's a part of me that wants to deny the truth that haunts me, but even if I denied it, it would still be the truth and so, I'm going to attempt to be honest with you and with myself. You once told me that I know you better then anyone else and you know me the same way. I've thought long and hard about this and you're right. Somehow, the pain, torture and tragedy has bound you to me and it has created a bond that I don't know how to break.

After you raped me, I didn't think that I would ever be able to trust another man again. It's ironic that the first person I've been able to trust is you. When you showed up at my door begging for my help and you promised me that you wouldn't hurt me, I looked into your eyes and I knew that you were telling me the truth. Despite all of the pain that you inflicted on me, I still trust you, maybe more than I would anybody else. I trust that you are incapable of lying to me. I don't know when it happened, but somehow I trust that you will never hurt me again. The unsettling fact is that I feel safer with you then I do with anybody else. I hate you more than I have ever hated anybody else, but I also trust you more than I trust anyone. I would have to in order to go anywhere alone with you the way that I did tonight. 

You took me to Powell's hotel room and you showed me the proof that he was the hospital rapist. I took that evidence to the police and because of you a violent, unstable man will be off the streets. My faith in you paid off and although you are far from being a super hero, you're not quite the super villain that you used to be. I just wanted you to know that I see the changes that you have implemented in your life and that you should be proud of the person that you are becoming. I don't thing that we'll ever be friends, but after tonight I don't think that we need to be enemies either. Continue to change.

-Marty Saybrooke


	13. Chapter 13

Marty, 

There aren't words to describe how thankful I am that you could be honest with me about your feelings. I cherish your e-mails and I have kept every single one even if the raw emotions are sometimes difficult to read and even harder to accept. I know that your hatred for me was well earned and I know it must be confusing to trust me despite the anger and hatred that we both know that you feel. 

I want you to know that I finally understand everything that I put you through. Powell made me think about things that I would have never been able to see. He made me beg for my life, there was a sweatband in my mouth and I felt helpless the same way that I made you feel. I was nothing but a monster to you and even though I completely understand your hatred towards me, I still want to tell you that I'm sorry. I know that I've said it before, but let's face it, you never believed me. This time I know what I'm asking. I know that forgiveness won't come easily and that I will have to earn that the same way that I have earned your hatred towards me...that is by my actions. 

Your trust means a lot to me, and I want you to know that I will not betray it or you ever again. One day, I hope that you will be able to forgive me, but until then my actions will need to convey just how sorry I am. 

-Todd Manning


	14. Chapter 14

Marty,

First of all I wanted to say thank you for coming and finding me at Rodi's to let me know that Blair was in the hospital. I don't know how you knew where to find me, but you did. I was furious when I found out that Blair had lost my child and I can't remember what I said to you when you came to see how I was doing. I was still drunk, not that it's any excuse but I'm sorry if I was rude to you. I never wanted to hurt you again, I thought that I would be able to make amends, but it doesn't matter how sorry I am, I'll never be able to take that back just like I won't be able to take back the cruel words I said to Blair before she lost my son. 

My son...I was scared, but excited when Blair told me about the baby. I was determined to change so that my child wouldn't have to pay for my sins. I wanted to be a good father to him and god did I love him. I had so many dreams for him and now they are just shattered. Blair and I got in a fight tonight and I told her that we would all be better off if the baby didn't exist. I didn't mean it, I just wanted to hurt her because I was jealous of her and Cord. My temper got the best of me and I said something that I'll never be able to take back.

When I told Blair about the miscarriage she threw my words back in my face. She thinks I'm glad that he's gone, but I'm not. I lost everything when I lost him. I have no hope, no future and my relationship with Blair is dead. I should have never gotten my hopes up, my life will never be anything but pain and misery. That is all that I can bring to others around me. I'll never be anything but a monster and the only way that I can stop the pain is to disappear. 

I just wanted to write you one last e-mail to say goodbye. I know that you probably won't believe me, but I'm sorry for the pain that I have inflicted on you. I have found the perfect way to atone for my sins. 

-Todd Manning


	15. Chapter 15

Todd, 

I am so glad that I received your latest e-mail and was able to make it to the docks before you had a chance to hurt yourself. I know that you feel like you lost everything when Blair had the miscarriage, I know that you're hurting and want the pain to stop but suicide isn't the answer. It only makes things worse. 

Yesterday, when I showed up at the docks you lied to me and told me that you weren't there to kill yourself and that you just wanted to be alone, but I knew it was a lie and I refused to leave until you did. I've been there Todd, I know what it's like to want to end the misery and pain so much that death feels like the only answer. After you raped me, I was so scared and I was in so much pain that I tried to kill myself. At the time, I thought that the pain and anguish that I felt would never go away, but I was wrong. I took a bottle of pills and if Jessica and Vicki showed up at my house any later I wouldn't be alive today. Jessica and Vicki assumed I was having complications from my Lupus and I was taken to the hospital. The only ones who knows that it was a suicide attempt was Doctor Larry Wolek and now you. 

I'm not telling you this to hurt you or to cause you any more guilt then you already feel. I'm only telling you this because I don't want you to kill yourself. I'm hoping that you can learn from my failed attempts at ending everything. When I tried to kill myself I couldn't see out of the darkness that my life had become. My pain was all that I could see and feel, but that pain and that darkness didn't last forever. Every day, I got a little bit better and the wounds that you left behind faded into a dull scar. It's still there, it will probably always be with me, but the pain no longer consumes me and I have found light again. 

I know that at the moment, you don't think that you can make it out of the darkness with no source of light, but you are wrong. Let me be your light...I will help you in whatever way I can until you can see your path on your own. You're probably wondering why I would help you after you shattered my life and the only thing that I can tell you is I don't want you to die to atone for your sins. You need to live and find another way to atone, you owe me that much. 

-Marty Saybrooke


	16. Chapter 16

Marty, 

I know that I’ve been keeping my distance over the last few months. I appreciated your offer to help me after my suicide attempt and the advice that you gave me regarding your own. You helped more than you know, but I had to stay away. This bond of ours…it’s not fair to you and the thought of you taking your own life because of my sins makes me feel sick inside. 

I wanted to give you your space, and for awhile I did, but fate just won’t let me cut you out of my life Saybrooke. You’re always on my mind and I even took your words to heart and I stopped feeling sorry for myself and found a way to grieve with Blair. I let her in and I thought that we would always be truthful to one another, but she lied. I found out that she knew that I was Victor Lord’s Bastard before anyone else did. She lied to me about being pregnant just so that I would marry her. I feel like such a fool for thinking that somebody could actually love me. 

I’m so angry right now and all I want to do is to hurt Blair the way that she hurt me, but then I thought about you and all of the unforgivable things I did to you because of my need for revenge. You’ve helped me realize that revenge isn’t the answer and that I need to find a way to forgive Blair. It’s not easy, but I’m sure that you know that better than anyone else. 

I appreciate your help, but why is it always you? It must be your bad luck and my good fortune…whatever it is, I’ll always be in your debt. 

-Todd Manning


	17. Chapter 17

Todd, 

Dillion asked me tonight why I just couldn’t seem to keep my distance from you. He doesn’t understand why I care about you after all the pain that you’ve caused me. In truth, I’m not sure if I understand it myself. The only thing that I know for certain is that we are bound and I want, no I need for you to be able to have a healthy normal relationship. I need to know that my help over the last few years hasn’t been for nothing. I need to know that you have changed otherwise we’re both trapped in the past of yesterday. 

Tonight in the alley behind Rodi’s, you told me that you found Blair in Cord’s arms and that you believed that he was the father of the child that you lost. You confessed to me that you were angry with Blair and almost took out your anger on her in the worst way possible, but managed to stop. 

You told me tonight that having those thoughts made you just as bad as the monster that you were the night that you raped me, but Todd, you stopped. That has to count for something. Please don’t let your anger with Blair consume you. Dillion wants me to keep my distance, but I can’t, this thing between us just goes to deep and I can’t walk away from you anymore than you can walk away from me. If I can help you in any way, please let me know. 

-Marty Saybrooke


End file.
